Hubig's goes Hu-Buff

Pie company's symbol goes from pastry puff
to beefy in 90 days

By Bigg Toxie

The Levee juiced writer

After 90 days of muscle-pumping workouts and tireless effort to transform his body from regular to ripped, 87-year-old Savory Simon, the rotund figure on Hubig’s Pie wrappers since 1922, has revealed how he went from toady and tired to magnificently muscular.

“First, I want to deny I took anything with preservatives or fillers,” Simon said as he stripped to a Speedo and unveiled his new beach body before a throng of reporters near the entrance of the Fauburg Marigny-based Simon Hubig Pie Company.

“The secret to my slimming success was P90X!” a beaming Simon said.

P90X is a workout and diet revolution sweeping the nation – and the suburbs of New Orleans and the North Shore. The frequently promoted, late-night TV infomercial touting the program stars creator and fitness guru Tony Horton.

“I was nothing but food starch, modified beef-fat and soybean-oil shortening three months ago. I was depressed,” the newly trim and fit Simon said.

“Then I saw Tony’s show and made the decision to commit to 3 easy payments of $39.95 plus shipping and handling and, voila, an all new me.”

“Once I got Tony’s 12-step workout and diet program,” Simon revealed, “I learned that food starch, unbleached flour, sodium metabisulfite and sodium proprionate, while awfully tasty, were not the stuff that healthy bodies are made of.”

In addition to altering his diet, Simon studiously practiced the Horton technique called “muscle confusion.”

Muscle confusion is the is an advanced training technique which accelerates workout results by constantly introducing new moves and routines so your body never plateaus, according to P90X marketing material.

“Previously, the only thing I did like that was switch between eating lemon pies, apple pies, sweet potato pies, chocolate pies …” Simon said sheepishly.

Hubig’s owners, the Bowman and Ramsey families, have decided to launch an all new line of pies to appeal to the health-conscious in honor of Simon.

The Hubig’s health-conscious pie line will be co-branded with the P90X logo and featured as a recommended desert of the workout program, according to a statement released by both companies. The new pie flavors are turnip, kale, bell pepper and tofu.

Original images of Savory Simon will still be used on the traditional pie labels, according to the statement.

“Oh, I’m glad the old pies will still have the old me,” Simon said. “I want a constant reminder of my journey from flab to fab.”

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