Mattel debuts New Orleans-area Barbies
Dolls range from stuck up to strung out
By Unknown contributor
Mattel Inc. recently announced its upcoming release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls that reflect Louisiana and the always popular New Orleans-area market.
Locals who have seen the dolls have said many are frighteningly realistic. The Levee was sent these
promotional graphics and comments for the new Barbies.
The new local Barbies are:
This Princess Barbie is only sold on the Northshore. Comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named Honey and cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.
Modern-Day Homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym outfit. Gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
Recently Paroled Barbie comes with 9 mm handgun, Ray Lewis knife, Chevy with dark-tinted windows,
and a meth-lab kit. Model only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably in small, untraceable bills).
Yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Mandatory accessories (sold separately) include her own Starbucks cup, an American Express Gold or Platinum card and a country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. WARNING: You ultimately won’t be able to afford her.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR T-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Accessories include a 12-pack of Bud Light and Hank Williams Jr. CD set. Doll can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet-Haired Ken’s butt when drunk. Pickup truck sold separately but comes with a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free!
UPTOWN/GARDEN DISTRICT BARBIE
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available, as well as a warehouse conversion condo.
About 80 miles south of New Orleans past Cut Off, past Galliano and over by Catfish Lake, this tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gutted Ken out of Belton Barbie’s house. Ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long, straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.
She’s perfect in every way. We don’t know where Thibodaux/Houma Ken is because he’s always hunting or fishing.
DOWNTOWN BARBIE/KEN or can be FRENCH QUARTER BARBIE (AGAIN)
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.
EDITOR'S NOTE: These Barbie creations were the product of an anonymous e-mail that has made the public rounds. The Levee was unable to trace the creators of these, we believe, hilarious pieces. We at The Levee, however, believed these were too funny not to share with everyone. If their creators spot these images, please contact The Levee so we may proudly and properly credit you.
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