New plan will prevent future flood losses

Sadly, disaster guide centers on re-elections

By Norwood BayBridge

The Levee contributing writer

With New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin term-limited, many members of the Louisiana Legislature term-limited, President George W. Bush term-limited, and Louisiana Gov. Kathleen Blanco just-plain limited, politicians from both parties have teamed up to ensure their political order through re-elections.

The “Incumbent Flood Guide” focuses on a hypothetical occurrence such as a federal levee system break and the flooding of an American city following a hurricane, but can be tweaked to be a useful document in relation to most natural or manmade disasters.

According to the guide, elected officials should:

Days prior to flood:
• Determine percentage of constituency likely to survive a flood.
• Determine percentage of constituency likely to believe claims that you nearly died trying to prevent flood.
• Plan for evacuation should contituency numbers drop below safe levels required for re-election.
• Prior to announcing evacuation plan, flood-proof your campaign. (This could include keeping soft-money donations in food storage containers and placing them in a safe, dry place, i.e. freezers. This also provides an “honorable explanation” should authorities stumble upon such monies during any raids. Note: Congressional offices are no longer good “storage” places.)

During flood:
• Remain silent but monitor televisions and document all existing and possible political opponent’s missteps and blunders.
• Document and record your political allies’ missteps and blunders – just in case.
• Keep staffers who could panic and commit missteps or blunders warm, dry and incommunicado.
• Have an emergency hair-stylist embedded with the team. (If bald, keep head shaver fully charged. Be sure it can hold a charge for a minimum of one week or more or until Air Force One touches down.

After flood:
• Keep away from angry flood victims as they are still unpredictable. (Reference: “F--- you, Cheney!”)
• Keep away from drifting news media personnel as they likely contain unknown biases based on actual events.
• Be aware and stay away from areas where floodwaters may have weakened constituent support. Return only after convincing those voters it was someone else’s fault.
• Stay away from downed and disgraced public officials.
• Wash hands frequently of insiders who did something stupid.
• Call your political consultant and report the damage.
• Win re-election.

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